I have a love/hate relationship with shopping at Costco. I’m enticed by the lure of buying toilet paper and Ziploc bags only twice a year, but repelled by shopping with more people than were in my graduating class, in a building that could house my high school.
While wrangling my cart and trying to flash my Costco card without holding up the line, I had a light bulb moment. There are obvious rules for shopping that need to be recorded for posterity sake.
Rules for Shopping at Costco:
1. Bring Entire Family
The more the merrier. Bring the kids, parents, siblings, and your dog. During this mini family reunion, make sure you walk abreast. Walk slowly and take up the entire aisle.
2. Don’t Feed or Nap Your Kids
Children must be hungry and very tired for a successful trip. Happy kids in Costco isn’t the social norm. Of course, the adorable little tots are just doing what we adults feel like doing, but we supposedly have outgrown that behavior.
3. Partake of ALL Samples
Stop at every sample station and leave your cart, that would be trolley for my UK readers, in the middle of the aisle. Ask questions about the products and read the entire label. To prolong this stop ask the snack lady questions about her personal life, too.
4. Play Bumper Carts
If you don’t bump at least three people with your cart, you aren’t playing the game correctly. Bonus points if you tap the back of their legs instead of their cart. Especially if you hit that bone just above the heel that makes them gimper for the next three aisles. Usually kids do that to their moms, that would be me, but in Costco it’s a fair play for all shoppers.
5. Reach Across
Instead of patiently waiting for the person who was there before you, that would be me, reach across their body to grab what you want. This strategy is especially effective if you’re wearing an overstuffed backpack so you can accidentally-on-purpose bump them.
6. Man-to-Man Offense
Pick one person who’s already stressed out, that would be me, and stick like gum on a shoe. Pull out in front of them then stop a for sample or new display. If they turn into a new aisle, cut around the other side, meet them head on, then park cart in front of them. Repeat this as often as necessary.
7. Forget One Item
Don’t remember that item until you have waited in line for 20 minutes and the cashier is asking for your Costco card. If there isn’t an assistant at the lane to fetch the item for you, unload all your items, and then walk, don’t run, don’t ever, ever, ever run, to the back of the store for that one item.
8. Call Mom
Instead of actually checking out after waiting in the slow-as-a-slug-but-without-the-slime line, don’t put your items on the conveyor belt. Call your mom. Or grandma. Or your cousin. Because, seriously, the people behind you would rather eavesdrop on your conversation than actually check out of Costco.
9. Block Aisle
When your muse dumps a load of inspiration, because my words finally came back, stop your cart in the middle of the fruit aisle, you know, the most popular aisle, rummage through your bottomless purse for a scrap of paper and a pen, and write a blog post. That would be me.
10. Ride Cart
When you finally made it through the ginormous store and your camel-laden cart is too heavy to push, pretend it’s a carnival ride. Take a running start, hop on, and ride like the wind.
That would be me.