all. by. myself.

I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m not afraid of mice.
I’m not afraid of rats.
I’ve shared homes with them all. Not willingly, I fought against their presence to guard my family, but I wasn’t afraid. Annoyed, irritated, inconvenienced and grossed out, but not afraid.

They were enemies I could conquer.

Fears that lie within are harder to conquer.

They’re harder to identify, therefore harder to eliminate.

My husband called one day with his I-can’t-keep-a-secret voice. “Hey, honey, do you want travel with me on my next business trip?”

“Depends on where you’re going.”   It had to be more exciting and/or warmer than where we lived.

“Amsterdam.”

“I’m going!”

We both love traveling and as a SAHM of six kids, there hadn’t been much opportunity in the past 25 years. I gave it up readily, for the privilege of staying at home and raising my children, but suddenly, I needed a passport.

I felt like Anne of Green Gables when Marilla hires help so Anne can dust off her ambitions and venture out into the world. Anne said, “I feel as though someone’s handed me the moon… and I don’t exactly know what to do with it.

It was time to brush the dust off my dreams. I was going to Europe. Quickly, nervousness replaced excitement. Why wouldn’t I be thrilled to travel overseas? I tried to identify the source of my discomfort.

It’s hard to leave my kids. Two are married and out of the home. Of the four at home, two are done with their education and working full time, one is a full-time college student and one is a full time student in my gifted and talented Homeschool. It’s not like they really, really need me, but moms don’t leave their kids. Do they?

It’s out of my comfort zone. For years, Scott and I have managed our large family with a divide and conquer strategy. When we traveled, I packed all clothes, snacks, toys and supplies. Scott loaded the car and drove. I navigated. He filled the gas tank. I filled the bellies. Our routine was synchronized swimming in a mini-van.

This time, we’d be traveling together, but he’d be working during the day. If I wanted to sightsee, I would be alone.

That means

all.

by.

myself.

I would have to figure out the money and transportation all. by. myself. I would be in the city that legalized prostitution and marijuana all. by. myself.

Why should I be afraid?

Fear of being alone.
Fear of harm.
Fear of challenges ahead.
Fear of unknown.
Fear of failure.
Fear of getting lost.

For someone who’s worn a path traveling to the grocery store, but usually has a hard time finding her car in the parking lot, I wasn’t sure I could do this.

I took a Greyhound bus once in college.

I didn’t fly until I was 23.

I took a train once, but husband ordered tickets and drove me to station, because I was busy packing food, suitcases, toys and books for five little kids.

Dreams were suddenly within reach, and I couldn’t be paralyzed by fear. I wouldn’t stop within feet of attaining my goal. Remember that wall I failed to climb?  That’s when I decided to make my excuses for failing my reasons for accomplishing.

My new motto has become ~ FAILURE will come only because I wasn’t good enough, not because I didn’t try.

Once the fear was identified and examined it, it was time to be smashed like a spider. We would no longer be sharing a home. With the moon in my hand, I would leave my kids and my comfort zone.

I determined to conquer my fears

all.

by.

myself.