My life can be pretty busy.
Well-meaning people like to suggest I take some things out of my life. That always stumps me. I don’t serve on any committees, I don’t get my hair or nails done, and it’s not a sports season for anybody. I don’t work out, you would believe me if you saw Jelly-belly ol’ me, and we order pizza more often than I care to admit.
But, I’m always told to simplify my life.
Any takers for the three bathrooms that need to be cleaned? How about cooking the three meals a day?
OK. No takers. I have to come up with another plan to simplify my life.
For the meals I’m gunna’ start buying Wonka gum.
Remember his Three-Course Dinner Chewing Gum? I would LOVE to serve this for dinner every night. Much less shopping, no preparation, no cooking, no cleaning. We could sit around the dinner table, pop in our pieces of gum, chew and chat.
“Please pass the Tomato soup, roast beef and baked potato, and blueberry pie and ice cream piece of gum.”
“Oh, Wonka perfected that one, huh? Ya’ sure ya’ ain’t gunna turn into a giant blueberry?”
“How did school go today, all my precious children?”
“Is there another steak, potato and salad piece left?”
“Father, how was work today?”
“Who took the last piece of pizza, breadsticks and Caesar salad gum? I wanted it!”
Maybe, no more complaints about dinner. Maybe, no more fighting over whose turn it is for dishes. No more sweeping more food off the floor than appears to have been swallowed. We’ve have time for rational, intellectual conversation every night in-between chomps.
Yea, I am totally going to buy Wonka gum.
Then, I’m gunna’ hire Alice to be my housekeeper. Ya’ know, from The Brady Bunch. If she’s not available, I’m gunna driving to Mayberry to hire Aunt Bea. I need someone who is starched and polished and has the laundry folded, the house spotless and the meals on time, all the time. Every. single. day. of. my. life.
Yeah, so then for the Honey Do list, even though my awesome honey actually crossed off a lot of thing this weekend, I’m gunna’ hire MacGyver to finish the rest. I’ll just give the big M a box of paperclips, a hand full of pens and duct tape and put him to work. Oh, that’s right, I’d have to dig all the pens out of the couch cushions, under the beds and out of purses not being used, so he’ll have to work without the pens.
I think we’ll start showering with our clothes on to save on laundry. We might even throw the dirty coffee mugs in the tub to save time in the kitchen. We can give up eating, but I can’t give up coffee.
We’ll stop washing our sheets and towels, what a waste of time, anyway. If I bought new once a year, that would cut down on shopping and laundry. I could go green and save some green.
But then, if I’m not cooking, cleaning and doing laundry, I would have a lot of free time on my hands.
I think I’ll start getting my hair and nails done. I could start working out and head up a coupla’ committees.
But, it all starts with the gum. I gotta’ get some of that Wonka Gum!
Until the gum is on the market, I’ll use the same motivation I always use when the necessary duties of everyday life just seem to pile up.