all. by. myself.

I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m not afraid of mice.
I’m not afraid of rats.
I’ve shared homes with them all. Not willingly, I fought against their presence to guard my family, but I wasn’t afraid. Annoyed, irritated, inconvenienced and grossed out, but not afraid.

They were enemies I could conquer.

Fears that lie within are harder to conquer.

They’re harder to identify, therefore harder to eliminate.

My husband called one day with his I-can’t-keep-a-secret voice. “Hey, honey, do you want travel with me on my next business trip?”

Depends on where you’re going.”   It had to be more exciting and/or warmer than where we lived.

“Amsterdam.”

“I’m going!”

We both love traveling and as a SAHM of six kids, there hadn’t been much opportunity in the past 25 years. I gave it up readily, for the privilege of staying at home and raising my children, but suddenly, I needed a passport.

I felt like Anne of Green Gables when Marilla hires help so Anne can dust off her ambitions and venture out into the world. Anne said, “I feel as though someone’s handed me the moon… and I don’t exactly know what to do with it.

It was time to brush the dust off my dreams. I was going to Europe. Quickly, nervousness replaced excitement. Why wouldn’t I be thrilled to travel overseas? I tried to identify the source of my discomfort.

It’s hard to leave my kids. Two are married and out of the home. Of the four at home, two are done with their education and working full time, one is a full-time college student and one is a full time student in my gifted and talented Homeschool. It’s not like they really, really need me, but moms don’t leave their kids. Do they?

It’s out of my comfort zone. For years, Scott and I have managed our large family with a divide and conquer strategy. When we traveled, I packed all clothes, snacks, toys and supplies. Scott loaded the car and drove. I navigated. He filled the gas tank. I filled the bellies. Our routine was synchronized swimming in a mini-van.

This time, we’d be traveling together, but he’d be working during the day. If I wanted to sightsee, I would be alone.

That means

all.

by.

myself.

I would have to figure out the money and transportation all. by. myself. I would be in the city that legalized prostitution and marijuana all. by. myself.

Why should I be afraid?

Fear of being alone.
Fear of harm.
Fear of challenges ahead.
Fear of unknown.
Fear of failure.
Fear of getting lost.

For someone who’s worn a path traveling to the grocery store, but usually has a hard time finding her car in the parking lot, I wasn’t sure I could do this.

I took a Greyhound bus once in college.

I didn’t fly until I was 23.

I took a train once, but husband ordered tickets and drove me to station, because I was busy packing food, suitcases, toys and books for five little kids.

Dreams were suddenly within reach, and I couldn’t be paralyzed by fear. I wouldn’t stop within feet of attaining my goal. Remember that wall I failed to climb?  That’s when I decided to make my excuses for failing my reasons for accomplishing.

My new motto has become ~ FAILURE will come only because I wasn’t good enough, not because I didn’t try.

Once the fear was identified and examined it, it was time to be smashed like a spider. We would no longer be sharing a home. With the moon in my hand, I would leave my kids and my comfort zone.

IMG_3233

I determined to conquer my fears

all.

by.

myself.

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13 Responses to all. by. myself.

  1. mumofruth October 23, 2012 at 4:34 am #

    Once again, you could be writing about me! Only instead of Amsterdam, think a town less than two hours away from our home, for only two nights away – and I’m feeling exactly the same way you are. And I have two married, one living overseas, and three at home, all over 14 years, and with a married sister to keep an eye on them while we’re gone. For our 32nd wqedding anniversary.
    And next year, we’re all going overseas, so we’ll all be together – but I do worry about the cat!

    • Momma Mindy October 23, 2012 at 4:13 pm #

      Good for you! So glad you get to get away. Just relax and enjoy the time. It will be worth it. I’ve learned that if I commit to leaving the kids, and everything is planned out for their good, I commit to not worrying about them when I’m gone.

      Thanks for sharing your heart, I always enjoy knowing I am not the only one fearful of things other women do with ease. 🙂

  2. Ruby October 23, 2012 at 10:19 am #

    Is this yet to happen or a past event?

    • Momma Mindy October 23, 2012 at 4:08 pm #

      Past event, I just don’t like to blog and let the world know I am leaving, or that I am gone, then when I got back it was so much to process, and so much to recover at home, I am only now writing it out, several weeks later. So long to look forward to something, but so quickly it is a breeze of a memory.

  3. Jan Cline October 23, 2012 at 5:31 pm #

    Great analogy. I know from experience that there is mixed emotions about venturing out like that. Joyful angst.
    I can’t imagine you being afraid of anything.

    • Momma Mindy October 23, 2012 at 6:19 pm #

      I loved your term “joyful angst.”

      I hope to travel enough to have just the “joyful” and not the “angst.”

  4. Tandis October 23, 2012 at 9:31 pm #

    I understand this blog completely.
    Why do kids give us Moms the most Mama-Bear courage when we’re with out kids but also the most fear?

  5. Momma Mindy October 24, 2012 at 1:53 am #

    You are so right! When I’m with the kids I do have Mama-Bear courage!!!!!!!!

    I actually use my kids to help me figger stuff out, too! I just pretend I’m all investing in their education and skill set, when really I just don’t know what I’m doing….they can figger stuff out faster, anyway…

  6. Andi October 24, 2012 at 11:11 am #

    Amazing! You are so brave. I hate doing anything all. by. myself.

    Except go to the bathroom.

    But I understand that’s pretty normal.

    • Momma Mindy October 24, 2012 at 5:34 pm #

      I would love to become a travel agent just so I can travel and not be all.by.myself……..

      or at least get a bunch of scared women together so we can conquer the world…

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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  2. veni. vidi. vici. | Prairie Momma - November 1, 2012

    […] can’t relate.  He’s not afraid of anything.  After I conquered those fears of going all by myself, I busied myself with shopping and packing. We arrived and learned our first important travel […]

  3. veni. vidi. vici. « Momma Mindy's Moments - November 1, 2012

    […] can’t relate.  He’s not afraid of anything.  After I conquered those fears of going all by myself, I busied myself with shopping and packing. We arrived and learned our first important travel […]

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