Day One

This was the polite question the barista asked me this morning as she took my order for an almond latte and a toasted whole grain bagel with cream cheese.

I stared at her dumbly. It was a simple question, but I had no answer. What could I say in the traditional 5 seconds or less allotted by social norm for polite banter?

So, I used the standard line. “Fine.” It’s the word we all use whether we mean it or not.

But somehow, fine just doesn’t begin to touch the jumble of emotions that were swirling through my head this morning. I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t depressed, I wasn’t doubting. I was merely in that hard place of waiting on the Lord, wanting to be able to accept His plan for my life with faith.

Can you tell by the look on my face I am not crazy about needles?

I had just returned from my first thyrogren shot, the first day in a week long quest to discover if my papillary thyroid cancer has returned when her question caught me off guard. I just couldn’t answer. I had too much to tell.

Fine? Fine. Fine!

I am all of these. Am I fine? No, I can’t say that, I might be physically ill. My cancer may have returned. In fact, walking through the doors to Swedish Cancer Institute this morning I had that realization that my life could be changing dramatically, again. I have no idea where these initial steps are going.

Am I fine. Yes, I am fine. I am functioning on a normal level. You would never know, looking or me or hanging around me what the I am going through. I am not trying to hide it, nor am I trying to broadcast it. I am trying to live my life normally as I can.

I am also fine! Underneath my faltering, feeble steps, I am walking on solid ground, the solid Rock of Christ. I have chosen to rejoice in all things, to give thanks in all things and to trust the Lord in all things. That doesn’t mean I don’t experience the common human emotions like-

“I don’t want to be sick again!”

“I don’t want my family to have to go through this again.”

“I don’t have time to be sick!”

-but I surrender these things to the Lord, being honest with Him and I seek to make His thoughts my thoughts and His ways my ways.

The technician warned me that the shot may bring a headache, fatigue and/or nausea. She kept telling me this was normal, and I wanted to say, “Yea, duh, this is normal every day for a woman my age,” but I just smiled and nodded like a nice patient would.

She also told me not to exercise for several days. No exercise? No problem, haven’t felt like exercising for years. Exercise? Now, I finally have a good excuse not to.

I have to be on a 24 hour diet with no carbs and no sugars. I can eat plain meat, eggs, cheese, butter, mayo and unsweetened peanut butter, broccoli, asparagus, spinach, green beans and cauliflower. Compared to the three week long low iodine diet needed for the radio-active iodine tests I have had previous years, this is a piece of cake… even though I obviously can’t eat cake.

I have another thyrogen shot Tuesday, a shot Wednesday of radioactive glucose prior to the PET/CT scan and blood work on Friday. I get Thursday off.

What should I do? Maybe I’ll eat a candy bar and exercise. Then, again, maybe I won’t.