Old age would be easier if we could identify and accept it. Many of us are stuck in denial and confusion. Symptoms set in years before we actually get that discount. Yea, that one. The senior citizen one. There. I said it.
Call us TWENIORS because we’re stuck in a twilight zone between adulthood and senior citizenry. We don’t know if we are young or old.
Younger people know we’re old. They see the obvious signs. Not me. I’m still surprised when I look in the mirror and see sagging skin and wrinkles. By the way, those spots I’ve been trying to wash off my hands are not varnish.
What? I’m not that old!
These signs aren’t for youngsters to identify old people. That’s easy. Old people are the ones who tell them to pay their bills, take their hat off inside buildings, and pull up their pants. These signs are for those in denial about old age.
Since you still have nightmares about going to school without your clothes on, let me increase your stress with a pop quiz. Your score will determine if you’re still a spring chicken or if you’re springing into old age.
You get one point for each sign you experience. Use your fingers and toes to count if you forget what number you’re on.
SIGNS OF OLD AGE
♥You no longer use an alarm clock and your internal clock is set about two hours too early.
♥You can’t sleep in. Even when you have nothing to do and no place to go.
♥Sleeping in the wrong position lands you at the chiropractor.
♥You’re obsessed with keeping your teeth.
♥Your clothes are so old you don’t remember buying them. And they’re back in style.
♥A shirt is worn two days in a row because you don’t sweat.
♥The old, wrinkly person in the mirror surprises you.
♥Painting or cutting your toenails is an Olympic-sized challenge because you can’t contort the way you used to.
♥You can’t see with your glasses on.
♥Shaving your legs in the shower is a serious falling hazard.
♥You’re price-checking those “I’ve fallen and can’t get up” beepers. They’re no longer a laughing matter.
♥All children you see are brats because you don’t remember your kids misbehaving.
♥Bending over or buckling your seatbelt causes an injury.
♥You get flyers to “receive Depends discreetly by mail.”
♥Bathroom habits rule your day and your diet.
♥You’ve looked for your glasses while wearing them.
♥You’ve looked for your cell phone while using it.
♥Half your day is spent looking for something you set down. The other half is spent remembering what you set down.
♥You put the “boom” in “baby-boomer” because you can’t hold in your farts. And no longer care.
♥When you’re mocking what some “kid” is doing, you mean someone in their 30’s or 40’s.
OLD AGE QUIZ RESULTS:
1-5 You’re doing great for your age. Keep using wrinkle cream and hemorrhoid cream and you’ll be fine for a few more years.
6-10 Your gears are slipping and gravity is taking hold of the goods. Work on your bucket list. Yes, I mean today, even if you haven’t had your bm.
11-15 Be realistic. You might need that Depends flyer sooner than you think.
16-20 You have one foot in the grave, the other on a banana peel. Go spend your life savings so your kids won’t fight over it.
Yep. You guessed my perfect score because the quiz is based on my symptoms.
And while I was looking for my cell phone, I forgot how I was going to end this blog post…