I woke up to a new week.
A busy, busy week.
A week filled with wonderful holiday activities we love and never-ending chores we don’t really love. The never ending doctor visits for my cancer adds its normal light frustration and concern.
This morning, to borrow a phrase from blogger friend Nan, “Christmas threw up in my living room.” It’s looked that way for days. I haven’t had a time slot long enough to finish decorating.
My laundry room grew a mountain over the weekend. If it continues at this rate, I may need a professional guide or crampons to conquer it.
All the single sox must have eaten all the food in my cupboard before they ran away.
Monday looms like an unfriendly foe in my heart and mind.
But, really, it isn’t just the house and the demands on my life that made me not want to face the day or the week.
Four years ago today, my husband and I lost a child to miscarriage. I had this weird notion that someday I would “get over it.” I thought maybe I wouldn’t have the bouts of weeping few understand.
You never “get over it.”
The loved ones’ absence, instead of presence, graces every moment, every day and ever celebration. Grief is an uninvited guest that refuses to give up their seat around the family table. Sorrow and loss is the real Grinch that wants to steal CHRISTmas and every other moment of joy. The real Grinch can steal something as small as a normal grocery shopping trip, when it ends in tears and a retreat out of the store.
The Lord understands the loss of a child. In Proverbs 30:15-16, He tells us that are four things that NEVER stop their devastation.
“There are three things that are never satisfied,
Four never say, “Enough!”:
The barren womb,
The earth that is not satisfied with water—
And the fire never says, “Enough!”
He compares the loss of a loved one and the emptiness of a womb to the horrific natural disasters of drought and fire. He knows the agony of loss and of suffering.
The treatment for all four is virtually the same. Drought and fire need to be saturated with water from the Heavens. The empty heart and empty womb need to be saturated with Living water from the Heavens.
It’s easy to see the morning as an impossibility to face. I choose to let these many things be the reason I face today and this week with faith and grace, not the excuse to ignore my world.
A quick Word study on “morning” gave me the Living water I need for the drought of my aching heart.
My voice You shall hear in the morning, O LORD;
In the morning I will direct it to You,
And I will look up.
But I will sing of Your power;
Yes, I will sing aloud of Your mercy in the morning;
For You have been my defense
And refuge in the day of my trouble.
I rise before the dawning of the morning,
And cry for help;
I hope in Your word.
This morning, I’m not letting the Grinch of sorrow and loss steal the joy of CHRIST from my life.
I’m seeking His Living Waters to quench the natural disasters of my heart.
I’m so sorry, Mindy. While I haven’t experienced a miscarriage I am currently experiencing barrenness. I’m so glad we both have God to lean on. So grateful we can be honest with him about our pain. Love you!
Rachel C says
I know the pain of which you speak all too well. I miscarried September 11, 2008, and just over a year later, on September 30, 2009, I lost my two oldest children. They were 10 and 13. If not for my Lord, and the two children that remain, I do not think I would have made it through thus far. You never get over it. But, there are yet two children who remain, and I must LIVE for them. When the pain seems too much to bear, I have to remember that these two need to see Mom and Dad living a life that points toward Christ that is as close to normal as possible.
It helps to remember my purpose in life. As a believer, my purpose is to bring glory to God. As I walk through each day, though tears may flood my heart, my purpose, my job, if you will, is to bring glory to my Lord. To do that is to obey Him in all that He has said, and to turn to Him in every situation and in every circumstance. I often think of the believers and the Jews who survived the holocaust and lost everything and everyone that they loved. I have not lost all, and God is not, nor has He ever been silent. God is real and He is near to the brokenhearted.
Your blog has been an encouragement to me many times through the last year that I have read it. Your very real pain and your determination to follow the Lord have been a healing balm to my heart. I am thankful that the Lord has caused my path to cross yours in this way. It helps to have someone who understands grief, even if I am just reading your blog. Thank you for sharing your pain, but also your commitment to serving the Lord. I have needed that encouragement. May God heal your hurting heart.
Beautifully said, Mindy. May the Comforter continue to stay by your side, and by all those who sorrow…especially at Christmas.