I’ve lived my entire life as an extrovert. I’ve had pangs of shyness in new situations and have withdrawn due to extreme grief, but usually I’m comfortable in a crowd and thrive on the crowd’s energy.
As a kid, I assumed all people were the same. A classmate at Jefferson Elementary School taught me differently. Anthony refused to talk. He wouldn’t answer the teachers’ questions and didn’t talk to kids at recess. It wasn’t that he couldn’t, he wouldn’t. He talked at home, he talked to a few of his friends, but the rest of the time, he refused to talk. Anthony is an extreme example, but was my first realization that not all people like to talk.
I’ve also learned there’s a perception that because extroverts can talk freely in front of a crowd, they’re free from the inner turmoil introverts admit having. We may be different in our external response, but the internal response is probably more similar than you’d imagine.
Let
me
confess…
1. I still get nervous in front of a crowd.
Even though I usually thrill in crowds, whether it’s a business dinner, giving an announcement, or teaching a workshop, I might get nervous. I don’t dread being in front of a crowd, but there’s intimidation. I might not sleep well the night before, especially if it is a new experience or new crowd. My body responds by sweating like a man, turning red and chattering more than usual. But I love to share Jesus and any skillset I have, so I laugh about my smell and push through. Thorough preparation and practice combat my nervousness. I still need to purchase armpit shields for my dress clothes.
2. I regret things I’ve said.
Sometimes I toss and turn at night, concerned about the words spewed from my mouth. Did it come across right? Did I offend anybody? Do they know my heart’s desire was to help and not to hurt? Should I apologize? As a Christian, I desire to honor my Savior with my words. Praying ahead of time is the best tool to guard a tongue. A sincere apology heals any tongue breach.
3. For everything I say, I have a 100 things I didn’t say.
I don’t want to be known as the woman who can “talk the hind leg off a mule,” so I monitor conversations and categorize the 100 quips tornadoing around in my brain. They’re filed as the one (or two) most appropriate thing(s) to say, things that should stay in my brain for self-entertainment, and things that will become Facebook posts. Conversations also may be interrupted while I scribble down any of those 100 thoughts lucid enough to become a blog post.
4. The weight of expectation can be heavy.
I’m always an extrovert, but I’m not always encouraged. Personal burdens make the perceived expectation to carry a conversation or a situation an added weight. In this case, honesty about my discouragement relieves the weight. People understand. It’s also relieves others from feeling they’re causing my distress. Truly, it’s not you, it’s me.
5. When I’m silent, people know something is wrong.
Introverts can be quiet when they’re happy, sad, just fought with their spouse, or when someone they love dies. Unless someone is perceptive, there might not be an obvious sign of personal distress for an introvert. When I’m silent I’m asked, “What’s wrong?” This is a blessing because I always get the support I need during a trial. But, as much as I love and appreciate people’s concern, I can’t always share the details. I might pretend I’m fine to avoid the attention, when I really long to sit in quietness and process the sorrow in my heart.
6. I process through my words.
When you ask me a question, I might verbalize my words and read them in the air to formulate my answer. You might think I’m changing my mind. I’m not. I’m making up my mind by vocally and silently processing all the impacting factors to develop the best answer. You get to joyride my answering process.
7. It’s easy to give my opinion, it’s hard to disagree with yours.
I value people. In fact, I collect people. Not stamps, not bells, not back scratchers, I collect people, with their various interests, abilities, ideas, stories, and backgrounds. When I disagree, I might not say anything because I value you more than my opinion. If I know a topic might cause a disagreement, I won’t bring it up. My exception is to defend the truth of the Word of God. I will try to be gracious and kind, but I have to speak the truth in love.
8. I don’t always fill up airspace because I want to be heard, but because you don’t want to.
I’m sensitive to the pain of those uncomfortable with new surroundings, new people, and even new ideas. To ease conversation I make introductions, affirm others, and ask questions. But, if someone is totally uncomfortable,I sometimes draw attention away from them by drawing it to myself. I might make fun of myself, reveal an appropriate discomfort I’ve suffered, or break the ice with humor. It may look like I’m trying to be the center of attention, but that’s not always the case. My purpose is to draw everyone into a circle of attention.
9. I don’t understand introverts.
I’m not trying to be mean or rude. Many of my closest friends are introverts. I simply don’t understand. When a teacher asked a question, how did you not sit on the edge of your chair, shake your arm in the air, and loudly whisper, “I know!” “I know!” “Teacher! Teacher!” I know you knew, how did you not want the whole class to know you knew?
How can you hear opinions, ideas, and facts swirling all around and not respond? I marvel. How do you keep your words inside your head? I know you have deep emotions and opinions, how do you not blurt them out? I seek that self-control, wisdom, and the ability to soak in the words, not always produce them.
10. I cherish introverts. I need introverts.
It’s easy to hang around with like people, extroverts who jest, talk, and compete for air space. But, I’ve learned to highly value my introverted friends, who trust me with their confidences, and open my world to theirs. They’ve taught me to bite my tongue, choose my words wisely, and to be supportive, empathetic, and sympathetic without words.
By combining the best of being an extrovert
and the best I’ve learned from introverts,
I will become my best person.
And speaking of cherished introverts, why don’t you pop over to the blog of my talented friend, Kim Vandel? She’s sharing her side of the story, “Becoming a Better Introvert.”
I’m a writer and voracious reader from the Seattle suburbs. I wanted to be Princess Leia when I grew up,
but I’ve decided that being a writer is even better than leading a rebellion against the Empire.
My current project is a YA suburban fantasy set in Washington state.
It features plenty of coffee but no vampires.
Mindy, you are definitely someone I wish that I could meet in real life (is this real life?) I love your concern for others and ability to break the ice and make everyone comfortable. I don’t really know if I am an extrovert or introvert. Writing kind of alters the introvert and makes it possible to share but then is that person really an introvert?!
Judith, I would love to meet you, too! And yes, this is a real friendship. I met a writer on a blog. We liked each others’ comments, so started following each others blogs and commenting all the time. Then we started emailing. She stayed in my house this weekend for the writers conference. It was a blast being together! I find the more I write, the more introverted I become, because I need the quiet time in my home and in my mind. Many of my introverted writings friends have had to extend themselves to go to conferences, meet with editors and agents, etc. I think it’s good we all seek to be both!
I’m glad that you admit to not understanding us introverts, and that you don’t claim that there’s something wrong with us and that we need to be converted. Thanks for the insights. I’d love to be an extrovert just for one day to feel what it’s like.
I’m so thankful you understood my heart – thank you for leaving your comment.
It absolutely is a case of not understanding, although I am really trying to learn.
Besides, if we were ALL extroverts, the world would be way too noisy! And if we all were introverts, it would be too quiet. 🙂 So, we make a great team in this world.
Vickie, thank you so much for this comment. You definitely shared things that extroverts need to hear and understand!
The illustration of the professor made me smile. I can picture how overwhelming that would be. I’ve been to a few writers conferences where the keynoter is that 90mph extrovert and it can be exhausting for me. I never imagined how overpowering that would be to an introvert. I’m so glad you shared your experience. I’ve taught a few conference workshops and you definitely gave me one more thing to consider as I evaluate my effectiveness to a crowd.
Thank you, again, for sharing your heart. This has been such a blessing to see introverts and extroverts learn to understand one another. Working together by utilizing the strengths and being gracious with one another’s weaknesses, we’ll all accomplish more in life together.
Blessings on your writing journey!
I’m not an extrovert, though your list helps me understand the extroverts in my life a little better. #6 -I don’t do that unless I’m talking myself through an e-mail 🙂
I took a finite math class in college and I dropped it after just a few weeks. Not only is math not my strong point, but the professor was definitely an extrovert. I remember meeting in the hall with him for a minute and asking him if he could “just please use less words to explain things”. It was excruciating to have to process all of that information at the speed he was speaking/teaching it.
In my day job I’m on a board and also have to participate in several meetings. I often sit quietly through the majority of these meetings. I have learned to keep up with the conversation/information being shared, but I do my best when I can just sit and take it all in and then only when necessary say what’s on my mind. I’ve found that I can take in a lot of information and get the “bigger picture” that way and only have to give a few sentences of input to have said my piece.
For every one thing I say, there are probably 1,000 other things I haven’t said b/c I just don’t see the need or the thought of speaking wears me out!
As a fellow extrovert, I absolutely could identify with you in every way. I”m sure there are people who think I’m “talking” in sign language from a cross a crowded room because I’m so animated, LOL. You really nailed some things about myself that I viewed sometimes as negative, but you made me see that it really isn’t about me, it is about making others feel comfortable and drawing them into conversation. That is exactly my heart.
Jackie, I’m so glad you could relate. Yes, your heart is about others, it shows in the way you live you life and the way you write. We always think about using our gifts for the Lord, but I think we should use everything about us for Him. An extrovert that is self-centered makes everyone uncomfortable. An extrovert that is Christ-centered and focuses on others, makes everyone friends. Thank you for sharing in the conversation today. I have missed you and your dear sister!
Great points, and Kendra’s number 11 is definitely true. I think I used to be an extrovert and then life with it’s painful ups and down showed me that I had to slow down with the words thing (which can overwhelm other people) Also I was put in a somewhat humiliating place through none of my own doing and it caused me to go into my shell for some years. Now I find myself much quieter in social settings but still quite verbacous with trusted family and friends.
It is long time since I have been reading blogs so this is great to visit here and see your new page etc. I hope everything is going well with you and your family? xx
Sister, so GOOD to hear from you today. I think of you often, and pray as you come to heart and mind. Thank you for sharing your journey from being an extrovert to a woman who allows the Lord to move her tongue according to His Spirit. 🙂 We all need to be there. My family is well, thank you for asking. We are blessed with good health for this season and joy in the Lord. We need nothing else. Blessings to you, precious friend.
11-contrary to popular belief..extroverts need “me” time too…!
Great catch, Kendra! I totally missed that one! Yes, I crave alone and quiet, although that doesn’t happen very often….:) Thanks making the list complete!
I just thought of it because I’m an extreme extrovert but I haven’t been alone (some one always bugs me even in the shower) in two years and I’m starting to go a bit crazy. The ice all over the ground makes me need my wheelchair and I can’t go anywhere alone.
I love that you know how to use words to help people and make introverts feel more comfortable in social situations. You’ve made this introvert’s life easier. 🙂
Aw, thanks! Thank you for unintentionally becoming my friend. I can’t even pinpoint when it happened, but it’s been a blessing. We do complement each other well!
🙂
Great, Mindy! According to the introvert scale, I’m like a 21/23 introvert. However, I do speak out in class. In fact, I sit in the front so I feel part of the conversation. It’s the best kind of conversation because it allows all the processing time I need. Beyond that, I learn best that way, to the chagrin of other introverts I make sit with me.
I love being in crowds of like-goaled people. A conference is a lift. A fair is a drain. But even a conference will make me want to go to my room where my roommate is already processing and get my mind and thoughts put in order.
I love meeting people and conversing. I think there is the fear in meeting new people that they won’t give me a chance to process, that they will make a lemon-law judgement in 3-5 minutes that nothing interesting, funny or exciting is going on in my life and head. And then the times I spoke without the necessary processing time, saying something dumb or foot in-mouthish replay in my mind… I’m so thankful for the Mindys of this world, people who value the thoughts of the quiet enough to give it a moment. You guys bless this world.
Truth! Mine too. Fact is, Mindy, when you call the attention to yourself, you have bought me processing time, which means I’m better able to answer and participate. It’s like you are running interference, which allows me to get that ball gripped right for a touchdown. The mistake many extroverts make with me (and, I’m going to guess, other introverts) is they assume there is nothing going on and we don’t want to take the ball and run, so they grab it just as I’m getting up the courage to reach for it. Ball running is fabulous to an introvert. The crowds fade away, and I can feel the pressure on my spine as I run. The end-zone practically glows. I love it! You both are super-enriching, and I adore it when people help people be the best they can be.
Great comment, Kathleen, thanks for weighing in on the conversation. Yes, I’ve had to learn the lesson that introverts might have something to say. You have to give them time. Hold your breathe. Don’t move your lips. Hold their eye contact. Let them know you’re serious about hearing what they have to say. Of course, that’s what I should be doing, but don’t always remember. Don’t be afraid to grab the ball out of my hands and still run your touchdown! Loved your visit here today.
You do great! KUTGW!